thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
