Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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