I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
50% drunk capacity currently
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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