Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
