Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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