He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
