if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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