hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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