i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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