while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
