That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
