Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
