It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
