I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
