I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We are two peas in an std pod
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
