I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
