things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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