I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
