I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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