It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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