The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
