like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I fill condoms, not promises.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
