my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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