a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
