I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
