I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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