then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
