u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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