I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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