Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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