I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
