he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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