Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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