I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
