mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
