I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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