I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i think my cat just said my name.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
