Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
