i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
