just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
