I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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