I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
