i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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