Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
