just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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