I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
