I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
