just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I could teleport
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
