that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
