ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
